Wednesday, October 14, 2015

A Man and His Ghaghra - MSG 2 Review

Let's begin this movie review by the climax, and breaking the unbreakable rule of telling you what happens in a movie, I will. 

MSG 2's villain, a (what else!) corrupt politician approaches the hero (Pitaji) flanked by an army (a real army) battalion, a clutch of SUVs, and a phalanx of REAL ARMY TANKS. At this time, it seems sure that he will kill the man, once and for all. He also has an 'international drug mafia' man with him. 

This is what he proceeds to do- he has a mega phone in his hand, with which he literally speaks out everything that's happened in the past two hours, plus a couple of other things that happened in a parallel universe, where Pitaji managed to break his 'sex racket', his 'drug racket' and a few other things. Nice recap you'd think, because you went numb after the first 20 minutes. But no. He then proceeds to attack with the army, and the entire batallion is decimated, and basically disappears from the scene. Then he asks the tanks to nestonabood Ram Rahim Singh Insaan. On hearing his name, all the soldiers driving the tanks (are they called tank drivers in the army?) come out of their shells tortoise like. 

Soldier 1: I can't kill Ram Rahim Singh Insaan, meri thalassemia peedit maan ko inki wajah se khoon mila.
Soldier 2: I can't kill Ram Rahim Singh Insaan, meri pita ko inki wajah se aankhen mili.
​Soldier 3: I can't kill Ram Rahim Singh Insaan, mujhe border par injury ke time khoon mila.
​Soldier 3: I can't kill Ram Rahim Singh Insaan, Inhone meri behen ki shaadi karayi.
Soldier 4: I can't kill Ram Rahim Singh Insaan, inhone Saturn ko moon ke saamne lakar meri dasha theek ki. 

Okay, the last one was made up, but you get the gist now, don't you. 

If you've read part 1's review, you know MSG is a special kind of film franchise. The Hero, Director, Singer, Writer and many other things is Baba Ram Rahim Singh ji Insaan, the hairiest baby on the planet. And as with most sequels, this one takes it up a notch. 

The main trouble is with some adivasis, who are jaanwars, rendered through black body paint, shell jewellery (for a tribe in landlocked north India, how this happened is very interesting to me from an anthropology pov) and speaking random accents of Hindi, need to be reformed. Our baba is up to the mark. He does it through various shenanigans which make sense only if you have ingested crystal meth through shooting it up your arse. That much must already be pretty clear to you. 

Here's random snippets which should excite you:
- An adivasi man and woman fall in lust. To 'select' him, she says, 'Ho Jaye'?, to which he replies, 'Kya ho jaye?', to which she says 'Daaru peene ka mukabla'. Both of them get drunk on toddy, and then of course there is a love song, where they transform themselves into city bred folk in their fantasy, and sing this song.

This is perfect, because it shows all adivasis hold a secret wish to transform themselves into city folk, and because it is the best use of Green screens since Godzilla (the original version released in 1931).

- The man himself has a final showdown with Ajgar, the bete noire, which he attends in a pink ghagra, while Ajgar keeps imagining him in a golden bra and keeps calling him Maharana Pratap. By the end of the fight, you don't know who's won, who's lost and who's fighting. You don't care.

-In one absolutely inconsequential scene, Pitaji is walking around, talking to random government servant. The scene must have called for showing some of his lackeys cleaning and taking care of the place (A govt. district headquarters) they're all staying in. So they called in a few of them in their Babaji ki army dress to clean. And then some more, and then a few more. As a result, a frame which shows about a 100 sq.yards of space behind Babaji has three hundred people cleaning earnestly, mostly turning left and right around their feet, earnestly. 

Seriously, Kanan and Biswa have the title ready for this one- most extras ever.

I realise this review is more of a show and tell, and I haven't been able to put down on paper my exact feelings as I went through this. There's a reason for that- MSG is now getting to the place where it is exercising the very options it was to be banned for the first part- Ram Rahim is getting comfortable playing a god figure, doing miracles to make 13-year old girls give birth to babies, getting adivasis to become human beings, and mixing it up with the usual Bollywood buffoonery to show he's one harmless man. By extension, he calls himself Adiguru, Maharana Pratap, mixes his idioms with Muhammad, Isa Masih and all other prophets to show himself as one. As megaphone wielding villains, cowering tank drivers spell out his message to the illiterate man on the street, I can just shudder to think of the money, time and energy he will draw out of these crowds in the real world. And that there are many more like him, out and about. 

That said, MSG 3, in Baahubali style, has been announced within MSG2. So I'll see you soon. Tab tak Babaji ka Aashirwaad.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

The most inoffensive MSG- Messenger of God review you'd ever read

I wrote this post originally as a guest post for a humour blog run by my friend.

There’s something about boogers. You know, those little nasty bits that remain stuck, on the sides of beds, below office tables, deposited in that little gap between your school desk’s drawer and tabletop. Many a childhood’s left indelible marks of nasal waste, marking the passage of time on places you shudder to think about now. There’s a fair chance many among us heard the adjective ‘gross’ for the first time from a member of the opposite sex, when we were busy mining for gold. It stopped us from examining the booger. And it ensured we never found the hilarity of coaxing it out, making it into a little projectile, and throwing it at the bald pate of an angry white man, and laughing hysterically. Until now.

The joke appears twice in MSG- Messenger of God. And like everything else in the film, it results in the exact opposite of what it’s meant to do. 

Before you read any further, a disclaimer is necessary: To ensure I survived the entirety of this journey, I had a session with an Old Monk, and partook Kool Aid a few times. As a result, I was already feeling the buzz, quite literally, as I entered the a local cinema hall in Gurgaon late on Friday evening. The result is a review which is more like a stream of consciousness from a night of debauchery you barely remember. If you can get past the structure of the paragraphs that follow, you can truly get a feel for the cinematic gem I so describe.
Here are the things I counted:
  1. Seventeen Hero ki Entry scenes- cue rousing music, slow motion car door opening, and a man in a costume from the performers in Mera Naam Joker.
  2. One Angry Herschelle Gibbs: Like really angry. So angry that he could switch at will from being a highly renowned marksman to quivering mass of steroids.
  3. Three lost girls: They just keep wandering in and out every scene with the titular character, all of them routinely smiling so beatifically you hope they were sufficiently alerted to their presence in the film.
  4. One seemingly gay man: He played the booger jokes on Angry Herschelle Gibbs. Apart from it, he just played the token gay man by virtue of pantomime mannerisms. This man put Shakti Kapoor’s turn as Chutiya (read the hindi word with the chhoti oo ki matra, and the tamatar wala ta) in the legendary potboiler Gunda. 
  5. The world’s hairiest baby: If there was ever a horror movie to be made where a child was born nearly six foot tall, with body hair Anil Kapoor would blush about, the casting is now a snap.
By the end of the movie, we were not quite aware if we were awake, asleep, hallucinating or in a deep state of meditation. Baba Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Insaan, is a social worker slash quasi religious guru with exactly Five crore followers. How do I know that the figure’s exact? Because they mention it seven times during the course of the movie. And seven because they are subtle. 

I understand describing the titular character of this film by his physical characteristics is akin to how we objectify women in our films, but Guruji comes across as such a harmless man, he defies any other categorization. His facade is of a cute cow, gently chewing dialogue, burping action scenes, and maintaining an aura of calm like no other. Except, he’s dressed in crochet t-shirts, orange capris and boots from WWF Wrestle Mania 1994. If he was even remotely funny, he’d be a great stand in for Po from Kung Fu Panda.

The film goes on for 197 minutes, and after the first 30, you are basically in the zone- you’re basically consuming a pack of Aam Papad. So bad but so good. You’ll be sick in the morning, your insides will groan and remind you of your foolishness the night before. But, it’s Aam Papad. If you don’t finish it now, you can’t ever have it again. 

There are a lot of songs in the film. All of them sung by Baba. He’s going to let all of his five crore followers know they can sing whenever they want, wherever they think they can. The followers of this man will never be bathroom singers. They will soon maraud the ears of their friends and family at Roobaroo nights, an event which will soon take over from Narendra Modi’s election rallies as the most epic thing ‘Indians who don’t understand what they are doing’ attend. 

The other characters in this film were cut out from cardboard, then given a little Alprax, some Vicodin and a wad of money. The latter I hope was involved, for their sake. Or the promise of Modi becoming their Prime Minister and saviour in chief. Nothing else could have gotten people to bend over backwards so gleefully. We’ve all seen 90's cinema, and the things people got up to, but this film makes that great decade irrelevant. It defines them over, and serves them on a platter made of earnestness, unintended mirth and glee.

By the end, we just gave up laughing. We gave up smiling. We gave up looking at each other and guffawing. We gave up everything we had, and wanted to become followers of the man.

In conclusion (sorry I’ve been told this is how you must end all assignments, and this is an assignment by Sarthak Ahuja CA, ICWA and other Accounting degrees), this is all I have to say: 

Years ago I learnt that the death is the harshest possible punishment given to a criminal. Below it, the next rung, is solitary confinement- a person loses his mind, hallucinates and stops being a person: he loses track of time, self-awareness and self-worth. Since that day, I've feared solitary confinement more than death itself. Now, you can make me fearful of a third reality- watching MSG 2.


You can find me on twitter at @ironymeter. If you did see the movie, I offer my heartfelt condolences, and an offer to meet me, and share some Old Monk and Aam Papad. Offer valid till the end of February. Terms and conditions apply.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Horrible Bosses 2

Sequels generally disappoint people by the time they are announced. As a regular film goer, you go through them like your pack of pop-corn. When they are of the summer blockbuster variety, you typically, leave your mind at home and just see them. When they occur for movies which were sleeper hits, you tend to sit up and take notice. Why would an idea which had little juice in the first place, get another shot at celluloid (pun intended)?

Horrible Bosses 2 gets some things right- Jason Bateman continues his deadpan and matter-of-fact acting, continuing in the same vein as Arrested Development; Jennifer Aniston playing the sex-addict doctor; and Chris Pine as the handsome devil. Apart from this, certain gags do get you- the scene where a runaway car waits past a train crossing because they don't want to leave the police behind, is, in the true sense of the word, hilarious. Apart from that, the only thing keeping one hooked is the presence of high and might actors in guest roles- there's Mike from Breaking Bad, Christoph Waltz and Kevin Spacey. 

The parts the film doesn't do well, it plumbs the depths of inefficiency. The other two leads, Charlie Day and Jason Sudekis gnaw at your sense of humour, so desperately they try to elicit laughs. Charlie as the lovable fool only succeeds in being the latter. This movie may go down as one of the biggest wastes of available acting talent (both leads and guest stars) in history. 

It isn't even comfort food. It's bad Chinese van takeaway. Avoid. 

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Google's Android One: Project Stillborn

How you do you reconcile this:
The world's biggest online company launches a new wave of devices- devices which
  • overcome buggy stick-on interfaces by partners such as Samsung,
  • provide a great experience for first timers, and
  • launch with big-bang promotions in one of the world's largest mobile markets, with some of the biggest local phone brands as partners
And yet fails?
Google's Android One project, launched in India over the past three months, has been a middling affair, and when seen in context of the booming mobility market, an abject failure.
Google made a critical error at launch. As always, hindsight is a wonderful thing, but this error is so fundamental, it left me in the 'what were they thinking' mind frame- something that shouldn't happen when some of the smartest minds in the business were behind this campaign.
Now, in order to understand the issue, some background is important. Google came up with the Android One Project for some simple reasons:
  • Partners such as Samsung and the entire spectrum of low cost device makers (Micromax, Spice, Xolo) sell very poor devices at the lower end of the spectrum- these devices have buggy interfaces, poor touch screens, and no OS updates. After years of being seen as poor copy of iOS, Google wants to ensure the new experience on Kitkat (its latest OS version at the time) was available to the masses
  • The larger corporate strategy is to get more devices with Google's services embedded (search, Gmail) in the hands of middle and lower-middle class consumers in emerging markets- these would form the backbone of Google's growth in the coming years, as western markets mature and in cases, decay due to the large base effect. In other words, grow the customer universe, and create a larger ecosystem for ads to be served
  • Android has lower satisfaction rates on lower-end devices. Not everyone can afford a $400+ device. And when it comes to that price point, Apple looms large.
All of these were great goals, and I saw the program as the first real product play from the online services company. They made all the right noises, and I could see myself buying such a phone for my dad, a first time internet user, or, I could picture a couple of workers in my brother's factory buying such a device- a step up in price, but a big step up in quality and experience. There had been recent successes within the same product genre- Motorola had come up with the Moto E (a product which must have been developed at the time Google owned Motorola), and sold in good numbers. The Chinese juggernaut Xiaomi had launched the Redmi 1S to great success as well. All of these devices carried Android, and together with the Android One devices, promised to bring in a lot of first-time users- those using feature phones, and those becoming more confident about using smartphones.
And then, with the launch, Google made that critical error- it launched these devices exclusively Online.
The number of issues with this is stupendous, and I'm astounded no one at Google or its partners asked these questions. Again, some bullet points for your consideration:
  • Google's goal was to convert people who don't yet use the internet, to get online using their devices, And they decide to sell their devices... Online! The only analogy I can think of is trying to sell Medical textbooks to grade 1 students. If your most targeted segment of customers doesn't use search and email, how will they jump to e-commerce directly?
  • On-line Banking and Credit card availability, e-commerce awareness among this audience is at its lowest in the entire target market
  • English is a tertiary language for most of these customers. While the advertising reached across language newspapers, the buying experience was entirely in English
  • Buying $100+ devices would be a big investment for many of these customers- why would they invest in a device without seeing, and experiencing it? Google did quite a few activations, but their reach can't be matched by the deep penetration its partners- Micromax, Xolo and Spice enjoy in the offline market
While some of these issues sound rather reductive in their simplicity, the fact remains they are important enough. And not a single analysis I've seen in mainstream business publications has pointed to this fact, and asked these questions.
Offline availability seems to be an issue at this time, with large retail chains boycotting these phones because of their online-only launch, low margins and overall irritability with e-commerce, and any favours bestowed upon it (link). There are some offline availability measures being taken, but I doubt if they will be accompanied with the same large-scale advertising campaigns seen at the time of launch.
I'm a die-hard Google fan, and have been using and recommending its phones to everyone who would listen. But now that Google's getting into the hardware game, it must show the same common sense it has displayed in designing and delivering products that work for billions across the globe. I'm sure margin concerns from the manufacturers, price-point concerns from Google, and margins demanded by offline retail played a part, but that's the part Google had to underwrite to set this ball in motion.
I'm sure lessons are learnt, and distribution would henceforth be a big part of Google's Android One strategy, and it will see success. There are some new Android One devices planned for Q1'15, and they might just be getting things right the second time around.
I look forward to your thoughtful comments here, or on twitter at @ironymeter.
Photo: Android One website
Note: The views in this post are my personal opinion and do not reflect those of my employer.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

The first major threat to Google's dominance is here

I wrote this post originally on LinkedIn.

The future is finally here. For long, we've been hearing about social media overcoming search and display advertising. That Facebook and Twitter would overcome Google. In the past ten days, there has been one minor, yet important change which isn't a digital savant's proclamation. You might not have noticed or received access to this new feature. And learning about what it is, you might go 'meh' But it's more important than anything that's happened in the past 10 years combined.
Here's what happened: Facebook and Twitter have added in-app browsers to their smartphones apps. This means any time you click a link within their mobile apps, the page will open in a browser window which opens within the app itself, rather than opening the Chrome or Safari mobile browser. This changes everything.

Here's why:

Facebook and Twitter now own News Discovery: Viral stories and email forwards aside, users struggle for a viable way to consume news. Google News is always buggy, and our tryst with portals like Yahoo is coming to an end. Chances are, 90% of the news you consume these days is from what you see links for on Facebook and Twitter. They've fixed discovery by adding the social layer to it- both those who produce and consume news can now share it with you seamlessly. There may be exceptions, but I would hazard a guess to say up to 40% of digital immigrants (those born before 1980) and up to 80% of digital natives today consume news through these two social networks. Primarily Facebook, but Twitter is adding stickiness by constantly answering the 'What's happening in the world now?' question.

Mobile ads within Facebook and Twitter apps are ineffective. But, on mobile web pages, they can still work: Twitter has 140 character tweets, Facebook has story units which can't do display ads well, or distract from the experience. That's why we have incestuous advertising units- promoted trends, promoted tweets; App install ads, Page 'Like' exhortations.

The number of times users would be okay to see such ad units is limited, and raising them beyond a point would impact stickiness. Both Twitter and Facebook have sold these units for more than 18 months now, and I'm pretty sure Sales are plateauing.

This isn't the case with mobile web pages. The page structure allows for ad units to be inserted, in some cases, dare I say, in an engaging, clean design. While click through rates are abysmal (and mostly accidental), there's still some money to be made. Brands get better visibility because of larger ad unit sizes.

Both Twitter and Facebook have added mobile advertising chops: Twitter acquired MoPub, and Facebook acquired and re-made Atlas. Both of these are mobile ad exchanges, and they will challenge Google on one key parameter: they'll have built in cookies- something Google doesn't have in its mobile offering. Also, they can build in user targeting at a much deeper level- this goes beyond demographics- Facebook likely knows more about us than we think. The targeting will please the marketer, and would likely be more effective.

Why these acquisitions are important is because they'll take Facebook and Twitter out of the experimentation mode, and getting down to selling some inventory straight away.

Google+ has failed: I don't need to elaborate on this. Google has lost the platform battle, and with it, the content consumption battle. They'll continue to own search, but on display, they'll have to be content with a product that will now lose the race.

And finally,
He who owns the interface owns the ads: Google owns the browser today. For Facebook and Twitter, the right to sell ads within the interface, and with it, the race to break Google's dominance, has begun.

In the online advertising market, Facebook currently has ~8% market share, and Twitter is much lower at ~0.80%. Google lords over the market with a ~31% market share. (link). If everything I say above plays out as I foresee it, Facebook's share should double, Twitter's increase by about 5%, and Google's decrease by at least 6% in the coming year. The other smaller networks would decrease to make up the difference. Others like LinkedIn, with its Pulse content publishing network would get in to the game. Also, the market would grow, as audience classification becomes acute.
Maybe, I'm calling this trend way too early, before in-app browsers are commonplace, before they're accepted by users and bought by marketers. But there's a big probability this might be the biggest change in the mobile market. I'll be keenly watching.
I look forward to your thoughtful comments here, or on twitter at @ironymeter.

Photo: facebook ad solutions
Note: The views in this post are my personal opinion and do not reflect those of my employer.